The Laughing Hyenas In Who's On Offense?
by Matthais Unidostres
Summary: A Lion King Parody of Abbott and Costello's "Who's On First?" gag. When a football match is arranged between the Lions and the Hyenas, Shenzi becomes the Manager for the Hyena Team. However, Banzai just has one question: "Who's On Offense?".


_**A/N: **__It's official. My favorite Lion King characters are Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed. I love these characters more than Team Rocket. And so, here is a tribute to the famous comic trio combined with a tribute to a famous comic duo, Abbott and Costello and their famous skit "Who's On First?". But before we begin, a little backstory._

_It would be hard for animals to play baseball, so I decided to change it to African _Football_/American _Soccer_, a game very popular in Africa. _

_Also, the ball and sport in question will be referred to as "Football" rather than Soccer, because this takes place in Africa (duh!)._

_So, without further ado:_

* * *

_The Laughing Hyenas _

**_IN_**

**"Who's On Offense?"**

Rafiki hummed to himself as he drew a line in the ground in front of Pride Rock. Rafiki finished making a large rectangle and nodded, smiling at his work. The grass net in front of him stood ready for its goal keeper. He turned around and looked at the goal on the opposite side of the clearing. A group of lionesses were already on the feeling kicking around footballs woven from long blades of grass.

"The lions are great! The lions are good! the lions are the best in the neighborhood!"

Rafiki turned to the sidelines to see Timon and Pumbaa jumping around with yellow pompoms. He chuckled and shook his head as he walked over to Pride Rock.

Meanwhile, on top of Pride Rock;, King Simba, Queen Nala, and their faithful bird assistant Nazu were watching everything.

"Are you sure this was a good idea, Sire?" Nazu asked nervously.

"Yes, I'm positive," Simba said with a nod.

"But, having a football match against _Hyeanas?_" Nazu said fearfully.

"Zazu," Simba explained, "Before the days of Scar, the Hyenas would remain in their territory and only occasionally come onto Lion territory during one of their hunts. But then Scar turned them into his private army and then there was a ton of discord between the Lions and Hyenas. But that's all over now. The Hyenas have no reason to harm us, and we have no animosity to them. They are a part of the circle of life just like us. We can coexist peaceably," Simba smiled and said, "and I believe a little enjoyment, and friendly competition, like this is perfect for keeping relations with them nice and cool."

"Well. . ." Zazu said.

Simba chuckled, "Come on, Zazu! Hakuna Matata!"

Zazu smiled a bit, to which Nala chuckled in response. She then looked down and said, "Speaking of which, it looks like our two cheerleaders are pretty enthused about this!"

The three of them looked down to see Pumbaa barrel rolling Timon on his hooves, and then tossing him into the air. The meerkat landed with a plop onto Pumbaa big belly and posed.

Simba smiled fondly, "What a great pair of guys."

"If you say so, Sire," Zazu said, sounding unimpressed.

* * *

Meanwhile, on the other side of the clearing, Banzai and Ed sat on a rock. Banzai chewed on a bone as he stared at Ed. The mute Hyena lay on his back while bouncing a woven grass football from paw to paw.

"Heh. Too bad we couldn't get the rules of the game into that head of your, Ed. You'd probably be good," Banzai remarked.

Ed lifted his head to look at Banzai, only to have the football land on his head. Ed's eyes derped, and he chuckled foolishly.

Banzai rolled his eyes, and his eyes managed to catch Shenzi approaching them. He gasped, dropped his bone, licked his paws, and smoothed out the hair on his head.

"Hey, babe," Banzai said with a smiled.

"Ahem," Shenzi said as she stood tall, brushing her bangs back haughtily, "That's _Football Manager_ Shenzi to you!"

Ed chuckled as Banzai rolled his eyes again, "Yeah, yeah, whatever. I still think I would've been a better manager."

Shenzi leaned close to Banzai's face and smiled, "Hello! Alpha Female here! And Simba did come to me with news about this contest, seeing as _I _killed Scar!" Shenzi then boxed Banzai's ears with her paws, "Alpha Female!"

Banzai rubbed his ears and frowned, "Okay, fine. I- Hey! Simba came to the _three_ of us not just you! And didn't we _all_ kill Scar?!"

"Details, details," Shenzi replied carelessly as she waved a paw dismissively.

"Gah! Never mind!" Banzai said grumpily, "Look, did you at least get a good team together?"

"The best!" Shenzi boasted.

"Good enough to beat the Lions?" Banzai inquired.

"Yep!" Shenzi nodded.

"Alright. Tell me their names so I can talk with them and say hi and stuff," Banzai said.

Shenzi nodded, "Alright, so Who's on Offense, What's on Defense, Ayedunno's on Midfield-."

"Wait, I thought you were the Manager?" Banzai asked as he cocked his head confusion.

"Duh! I am!" Shenzi replied.

"Then tell me the names," Banzai challenged.

"I'm telling you right now," Shenzi said irritably, "Who's on Offense, What's on Defense, Ayedunno's on Midfield-."

"Don't you know their names?" Banzai asked in disbelief.

"Of course I do," Shenzi growled.

"Then tell me!"

"Who is on Offense-."

"What are you asking me for? I'm asking _you_!" Banzai said.

Shenzi face palmed as Ed cracked up laughing behind them. She removed her paw and glared at Banzai, "Did you hit your head this morning or something?"

"No! Did you?!" Banzai shot back, "Look, can't you at least tell me what's the hyena's name on Offense."

"No, What's on Defense," Shenzi corrected.

"I'm not asking you who's on Defense," Banzai sighed.

"Who's on Offense!"

"I don't know!" Banzai said as he threw up his paws in confusion.

"He's on Midfield, we're not talking about him!" Shenzi growled.

Banzai blinked, and then he frowned. "Shenzi, just tell me the name of the hyena on Offense."

"Who," Shenzi replied.

"The hyena on Offense," Banzai explained.

"Who."

"The hyena on Offense."

"WHO!"

"THE HYENA ON OFFENSE!" Banzai screamed in Shenzi's face. Shenzi was so surprised that she fell over onto her back. Ed laughed hard and rolled on his back. Shenzi blinked, and then growled with narrow eyes. She got up and bumped foreheads with Banzai, who gulped in response.

"What's the matter with you?" Shenzi said in a frustrated tone, "Can't you think?"

"But you're not answering me!" Banzai said in desperation, pushing Shenzi back and stepping backward himself, "All I want to know is what's the hyena's name on Offense?"

"No, What's on Defense!"

"I'm not asking you who's on Defense!"

"Who's on Offense!"

"I don't know!"

"Midfield!"

Now it was Banzai's turn to face palm. Ed began laughing hysterically again. "SHUT UP!" Banzai shouted his way. Ed instantly stopped laughing and sat up and saluted, still wearing his goofy grin.

"Look," Banzai said angrily, "I'm asking you a simple question, babe. Who's on Offense?"

"Yes," Shenzi said, nodding her head excitedly while smiling.

"Well answer me!" Banzai said eagerly.

"That's it!"

"That's who?"

"Yes!"

"What's his name?!" Banzai practically begged.

"What's on Offense!" Shenzi shouted.

"I'm not asking you who's on Offense!"

"Who's on Defense!"

"I don't know!"

"Midfield!"

Banzai fell flat on his face.

Shenzi blinked, "Uh? You okay?"

Banzai jumped up and said, "Fine! Forget Offense! Who's on Defense!?"

"Who's on Offense!" Shenzi corrected angrily.

"I don't know!"

_**"Midfield!"**_both hyenas said at once.

The two of them stared at each other in shock as Ed burst out laughing again and fell down kicking wildly with laughter.

Banzai blinked, which caused Shenzi to growl and say, "Will you stop changing the position!"

"I ain't changing nothing!" Banzai shot back. He growled lowly and rubbed at his face with his paws. He sighed and said, "Alright. How about this." Banzai put his paws on Shenzi's shoulders and smiled, "Lets say you're just walking along in the Elephant's Graveyard. And you see the hyena in Offense. A bone is about to fall and crush him, so you gotta get his attention by calling his name. So, tell me the name you'd shout out to him."

"Who," Shenzi answered.

"The hyena in Offense," Banzai said with a smile.

"Who!" Shenzi answered louder.

"The hyena in Offense," Banzai with a frown.

"WHO!"

"THE HYENA IN-!" Banzai shook with frustration and stomped around in a circle. Then he rounded on Shenzi and shouted, "You can't just let him die!"

"N-n-now take it easy!" Shenzi stammered.

"He'll get crushed by the bone if you don't call out his name! You can't let your own pack member die! What kind of hyena are you?!"

Shenzi's teeth chattered as beads of sweat ran down her face, "I'm trying to save him, but-," her eyes widened and she snarled out, "_Wait, you just made that up!"_

Banzai pulled his ears hard and breathed heavily, "Look, when the hyena first introduced himself to you, and he said his name, what did it sound like to you?"

"Who," Shnezi said with a definite nod.

"To you," Banzai clarified.

"Who!"

"To you."

"WHO!"

Banzai fell down onto his side and breathed heavily.

"All I want to know," Banzai said breathlessly, "Is what's the hyena's name on Offense?"

"No, What is on Deffense, you moron!" Shenzi shouted angrily.

Banzai jumped up and jumped with rage, "I'm not asking you who's on Defense!"

"Who's on Offense!"

"I don't know- _Midfield!_" Banzai shouted quickly, holding a paw up and smiling cheekily at Shenzi, who gave a deadpan express back at him.

"Why don't you go and ask his mate?" she said.

"Who's mate?" Banzai asked.

"Yeah," Shenzi replied.

Banzai covered his eyes.

"What's the problem? A hyena can have a mate if he wants to! What are you jealous," Shenzi said venomously.

Banzai uncovered his eyes and glared at her, "Alright, we got a Sweeper?"

"Sure we do," Shenzi replied in an uninterested tone.

"Tell me his name."

"Why," Shenzi replied.

Banzai shrugged, "I just thought I'd ask ya."

"Well I told ya," Shenzi said, shrugging back.

"Well go ahead."

"Go ahead and what?" Shenzi said in a tired tone.

"Tell me his name!"

"Why?"

"BECAUSE!" Banzai shouted in exasperation.

Shenzi face palmed and bent her snout as she moved her paw down her face. "No, Because is the Stopper, you idiot!"

Banzai's mouth hung open, then he shook his head vigorously and said, "Alright, forget that! Do we have a Goalkeeper?"

Shenzi stared at him and said, "What kind of football team doesn't have a Goalkeeper? . . .Dummy."

"Can you tell me his name?" Banzai said hopefully.

"Tomorrow," Shenzi answered.

Banzai's mouth dropped open and he stared at Shenzi for a long time. After a silence, Banzai was able to speak, "Wh- bu- I- you- why- huh- we-_** Why can't you tell me today**_!?"

"I can't change his name!" Shenzi replied.

"Grrrrrrrrrrr! Fine! What time?"

Shenzi blinked, "What time what?"

"What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's Goalkeeper?"

"Who's on Offense!"

"WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME FOR?!" Banzai exploded let again.

Shenzi dug a hole and stuck her head into it. She screamed into the hole for a bit, then pulled her head out and glared.

Ed suddenly ran up between them and pulled them close in a hug, laughing hysterically. The two arguing hyenas pushed Ed away and continued to glare at each other.

"Alright, Shenzi," Banzai said, "Let's say I was on the team. So let's just call the Goalkeeper Mr. Tomorrow, okay? So Mr. Tomorrow kicks the ball to me, and I want the ball to get up to the Lion's goal, right? So I pass the ball to Who?"

Shenzi's face became one big smile, "There! Now you got it!"

"But I don't even know what I just said!" Banzai exclaimed.

Shenzi's face fell and she sighed, "But it's so simple, Banzai! Even an idiot like you should've gotten it by now! Even Ed. . .well, maybe not Ed. . .but you should've gotten it by now! _You kick it to Who_!"

"But who gets it?" Banzai asked.

"Exactly!"

Banzai blinked, "Exactly?"

"Exactly!"

Banzai's eyes lit up and his tail wagged happily as he began to smile, "Oh yeah! I finally see!"

"You do?" Shenzi said in surprise.

"Yeah!" Banzai replied brightly, looking as if he could do a backflip, "I kick the ball to Exactly-!"

"No, you idiot, you kick it to Who!" Shenzi said impatiently.

"Exactly?" Banzai said nervously.

"Exactly," Shenzi said with a nod.

Banzai smiled again, "Whew! Whoa man! I thought I lost it for a second. Okay, so I kick it to Exactly-."

"No, you kick it to Who!" Shenzi said impatiently.

"Exactly!" Banzai said.

"Exactly!" Shenzi repeated.

"Okay, I kick it to Exactly-."

"No, to Who!"

"Who?"

"Exactly!"

"THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!"

Shenzi backed up from the angry Banzai. Banzai thrust his snout in Shenzi face and said, "I kick the ball to the Offense. Who gets it?"

"Exactly!" Shenzi said as she pushed Banzai off of her.

"Alright. Now I'll ask you. Who gets it?"

"Exactly!" Shenzi said exasperatedly.

"Alright, so we agree. I kick it to Exactly-."

"No, we don't agree! Who gets it!"

"SOMEONE'S GONNA GET IT!" Banzai shouted.

Shenzi buried her face in her paws.

"You know what?" Banzai said, "I give up! Here's what I understand! I kick the ball to the Offense, whoever it is looses the ball, so the Lion runs to our side of the field. What steals the ball and kicks it back to Tomorrow. Tomorrow kicks it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know kicks it back to Who. Who kicks it back to I Don't Know —a Give and Go."

Shenzi removed her paws from her face and smiled. She grabbed his shoulder and said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, you've got it! You're finally getting it!"

Banzai, however, continued to frown, "Another Lion gets the ball and it gets kicked all the way to Because. Why? I don't know. He's on Midfield," Banzai suddenly shouted in Shenzi's face, "AND I DON'T CARE!"

Shenzi fell backwards and looked up at the angry hyena standing over her. She blinked as something in her memory was jogged. "What did you say?"

Banzai breathed heavily and said, "I said 'he's on Midfield and I don't care!'"

Shenzi thought for a moment, then she smiled and said, "Oh yeah! She's our Striker!"

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Banzai shouted as he ran off aimlessly in a random direction.

Shenzi sat on the ground watching him run as Ed sat himself down next to her.

"You think he'll stop before he hits that-?" Shenzi began

_SMACK!_

"-Rock," Shenzi said with a grin.

Ed burst out laughing, this time the hardest and most wild he had laughed all day, and with what had happed today, that was saying something.

Shenzi shook her head, "Oh boy. Stay here, Ed. I'll go help the bozo."

As Shenzi left to go help her friend, Ed stood behind and laughed and laughed and laughed until he fell over and landed flat on his back, squashing his football flat in the process.

* * *

**THE END**


End file.
